ahhh

This is frustrating, not going anywhere. A standstil. Is there anyone even out there?

Blueberry Pancakes

There is something about blueberry pancakes that just soothes your soul, and something about the smell of the batter that turns my stomach. I've found that life is often like that. Bittersweet. Last night I woke my husband out of a dead sleep to talk to him about some dating site I noticed on the computer. It turns out it was a link from Face Book, but one small insecurity led to a mountain of feelings springing forth. We didn't yell at each other, or get ugly, I just have found that when I watch those cruise commercials with the young, happy couple splashing around in the sea, that I lost that somewhere along the way. Now, I have my reasons. Believe me. But, thats for another day. For now, I would like to comment on what I was saying before.

I find it awkward to spend intimate time with people, including my husband. We still maintain a lot of humor in our marriage, and we genrally like being around each other, but its almost funny to think of us as intimate lovers...all sappy and absorbed in each other. I love country music, but the men who twang a way on my heart strings are not even glimmers of my husbands personality. He's not the guy in my love songs that make me all starry eyed and far away. And you know, I don't think I'm alone. I asked him how he felt about me in that aspect, and he said we are fine. NO we are not!

One thing I've noticed since the day we met, he has never taken photographs of me. Twice I think in 5 years. Maybe because his family never took pictures...maybe because he doesn't care. Also, every birthday, anniversary, mother's day, Christmas, whatever...he has never planned anything special, in fact, I'm lucky if I get a card. Maybe he's just doesn't like holidays...or maybe he doesn't care.

The bitter part isn't even these things. There is more, deeper things I am not ready to share. The salt in my wound is that we are in a stage in our lives where everything depends on each other. From watching our child, to work schedules and money, even our car we share. It's not like being a teenager where you can just say, well, honey, you need to take some time to think about how you treat me...and then you move one with about a week or so of tears, and then a month later you are holding the hand of your latest Prince Charming.

But I ask this, Is it so wrong to want a Prince Charming in my life?

The Starting Point, Egg and Sperm

Every day I look around me and I try not to feel sorry for myself, becuse just when I do, TLC comes on, and there is a guy who can't even get out of his bed becuase he is so diseased. Or a baby needing an operation. I look around me to find the good, and in the past year have learned that no matter how much I think I'm in control, I'm not. I thought I was smart, I thought I knew which way I was heading, but what I found out was that I was simply going on my way, and that was that. So, I had to intervein for myself.

This is a rescue mission from the depths of deep rooted issues, of allowing things I don't even see to control me, things I thought had to do with choice. This is about taking back my life, and making it happen, dumping fear, and talking about failure, because its bound to happen. This isn't one of those sweet, my family is soooo perfect blogs, or look at how adorable my new baby is. As if you care. I am just text on a page to you. This is about discovering the hidden agenda I've found we are all on. Stay tuned for more. Right now, my ass hurts from sitting on this hard, horrbile chair for hours working on my websites, and my husband is grouchy because the neighbor broke a promise, and hes tired. So yep. Gotta go, Later I will post more about hidden agendas.

Hello. This is my first ever blog. I am 23 years old, and this is my attempt to organize my life. Being a stay at home mom, with all these creative juices flowing, I have just set up two websites, and I need some help getting them going. Also, I'm writing a novel, and I would like to post it online as I write it, maybe I could get some fans. Maybe not. My websites are both new, one is called Carlielle Flowers, www.carlielleflowers.webs.com where I make silk flower arrangements from home. The other is called iBlog, it's a crative spot for writers to support and share with eachother, as well as to inspire and get to know eachother with profiles. I am looking forward to meeting other creative types out there! Oh, my iBlog site is at www.iblogbooks.webs.com

If I chose to blog about my life I wonder if any of you would be interested. Or if you would just thrw rotten tomatoes at me. Either way, it might be fun.